Waiting for God(ot)

I only speak to God when I am either incandescent with rage or half-mad with sorrow - Paula Scheder-Bieschin (@paulanaledi on Substack)

and I dream too much and I don’t write enough,

and I’m trying to find God everywhere.

- Anis Mojgani, For Those Who Can Still Ride in an Airplane for the First Time

I have been deconstructing Christianity for the last couple of years & I haven’t really talked to anyone about it because, despite it all, I’m still a person of faith & it’s hard to reconcile those two things. I also don’t talk about it because I haven’t deconstructed from a point of being disappointed by God but from a point of how come good things happen to me but not to people who are more faithful or have a better relationship with God than me ? It feels ridiculous. Who finds issue with being blessed ?

A few years ago (almost a decade ago, at this point), my family had car trouble. One after the other, our cars kept going out of commission - engine trouble and then a multi-car accident so all we had was our oldest car which was basically a tin can on wheels & I’m not even sure it was roadworthy. Anytime we spoke about it our parents would tell us to pray & I can’t remember the details exactly but I think after like 3 weeks, someone gifted us a car. There have been so many situations like that in my life & every time I wonder, how come God answers a prayer like that for us but not a prayer for food from a poor person ? Or a prayer for healing from a person with cancer ? I grew up with prosperity gospel/ word of faith gospel which basically postulates that if you have enough faith and stand on the right scriptures, God will give you money & healing etc so are the less fortunate not praying hard enough ? Why would God predestine them to suffer ? Sure, they may have riches in Heaven but why should they have to choose between eating & having electricity in this here world ? And answers like “I’m blessed & highly favoured” or “God knows better than we do” or “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him” have never been enough for me.

“Given the existence as uttered forth in the public works of Puncher and Wattmann of a personal God quaquaquaqua with white beard quaquaquaqua outside time without extension who from the heights of divine apathia divine athambia divine aphasia loves us dearly with some exceptions for reasons unknown but time will tell.”

- Samuel Beckett, Waiting for Godot

I have experienced suffering too. Things have happened to me that till this day, I cannot speak about. And never, in any of those moments, have I thought those things were unfair or that I didn’t deserve them just because I “know” God.

So it’s like I believe in God but not in the way a lot of people around me do.

Why is it not enough to love God & love people ? Why must we be afraid of the rapture and hell ? And why should we live in a constant state of guilt ? Whether we admit it or not, the constant fear of sinning or backsliding leaves you in a state of paranoia, that’s how you end up googling if every action is a sin & decoding lyrics from Beyoncé songs that “prove” she’s a devil worshiper. And when you see the world through the lens of us vs them, unbelievers vs saints, you can never really love your neighbour. You avoid them, you cut them off & you distance yourself from them emotionally. How can you advocate for social justice when those who would benefit from your activism, you deem sinners? & how can you advocate for yourself when you sing songs every Sunday about how worthless & imperfect you are ? How can you ever consistently exercise agency when you believe that ultimately, everything that matters outside your control ? And if the alternative to being Christian is eternal condemnation, do we really still have free will ?

Nonetheless, I believe. I believe in something bigger than me. I know that God is real because I see God everywhere. In the flowers and trees. In how consumed I feel when I see the moon. In how small I felt on a boat floating along the vast expanse of the sea. In those seconds when a friend catches my eye and we start laughing at the same time. In the touch of those I love. I think Jesus is pretty cool. It’s everything else that I struggle with. The judgement & the denial of pleasure. Praying to a God that gives you a car, but turns a blind eye to the starving child in Congo. Or the one begging that we drove past on the way to church. It’s hard to marry these two faces of God & I have long given up on trying to get answers on why a good God would allow people to suffer.

I plead with a God of Maybe, who may or may not let me collect more years. It is a God I love, and a God that breaks my heart.

- Kate Beckett, Everything Happens For A Reason & Other Lies I’ve Loved

I no longer think of prayer as an asking but as communion with God. I try not to ask for anything anymore, instead I talk out my hopes & dreams. I try to avoid referring to God as “he” because if there is a God, God must exist outside of the binds of gender. God cannot be a man to me because I cannot pray to someone I fear.

It’s hard to say these things out loud. I’m afraid of losing my community & being ostracised because despite the “love your neighbour” mandate, that is exactly what will happen. I will be prayed for before I am listened to.

I find God in my human moments. My barest moments. I find God when I feel most connected to this world, and it’s imperfect people.

But the fire & brimstone preachings refuse to leave me and I constantly worry that I might be wrong. I do believe though, that if there is a judgement day, God will not place value on my missteps. That God will see that I loved my fellow man, and I was kind to animals and that I treated the earth like a temple. That God will accept me, just as God made me.

“What if rich did not have to mean wealthy, and whole did not have to mean healed? What if being people of “the gospel”meant that we are simply people with good news? God is here. We are loved. It is enough.

- Kate Beckett, Everything Happens For A Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved